ANTM Cycle 17 Episode 1 Recap/Review

Oh ANTM, I think you have made huge mistake. I was super excited about this cycle, but now I am questioning so much of what just happened this past episode. Honestly, I just do not even know. So let’s just start from the beginning, while I try and sort this out.

First off, there is the house.

That is not an ANTM house. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a Flavor of Love House. I understand that other cycles have had some pretty fab places for the girls to live, but this is just ridiculous. They should be forced into small and cramp places, to better stoke the fires of their simmering bitchery.

Exactly, something like that. Hell, in this economy that is all this show should be able to afford.

Furthermore, if the house is from Rock of Love, that implies that these girls are some beat-down hookers.

Well, that looks about right. Those confessional did not look good, did they? Although, amazingly, Shannon's did.

Clearly somebody was doing something right for all of these years.

Also, as long as we are on this VH1 kick here, that would make this guy the love interest.

Wow, what an extremely gay screenshot. Anyways, I would actually watch Mr. Jay trying to find love on a VH1 show, provided he would have to choose from past ANTM contestants. It would be glorious! I think I smell a spinoff!

I am also nervous about the direction it seems this cycle will go in. For example, here are the guest judges:

Straight up, that is like a younger line-up of the types of judges on RuPaul's Drag Race. I mean damn, Kathy and La Toya were on RuPaul! In other words, the show has come full circle. RuPaul you used to be a reference to ANTM. Now it looks like ANTM is deciding to be a reference to a reference. How meta of Tyra. Note the sarcasm.

Most importantly to me, however, is it looks like we are going to be focusing less and less on the model part of fucking America's Next Top Model. Look, I get this show has always been a distorted reflection of the real fashion world. Still there was at least some attempt by Tyra and the producers, especially in the previous two cycles, to roughly mimic it. Now, it seems like we are basically abandoning that theme all together. Instead, we get this:

Making music!

Auditioning for television!

Designing a fragrance!

Which you know what? Hell no. Actually, that is way too passive. Fuck no. I do not care what these girls sound or smell like. Only the acting stuff should happen, because they always do the commercials and past contestants have made it as actresses (Yaya DaCosta and Analeigh Tipton come to mind.) As for everything else, well, the show is just being stupid. Nobody gives a damn about these girls as brands. I want fashion, damn it! Even if it is ANTM's amateurish version.

Clearly, though, I am not getting that. Also, since I have been with this show forever, there is no way I am pulling out now. Hopefully tonight was just first episode jitters, and this cycle turns into something fantastic. So let's run through it, shall we?

This?

Typical. Although, it was one the least cringe worthy "acting" jobs she has done. Think positive people!

Also, ten seconds in and she is already  busting on Camille's famed signature walk comment.

Who says you cannot hold a grudge for years. Not Tyra.

Then we were introduced to the girls:

Angelea:
I was so glad to Angelea come to that house first. Angelea is just a gold mine when it comes television. Even better, she just offers so much for a blogger. For instance:

Love that she took two glasses. Love the added sound effects

Pure amazingness.

Not only does she call Alexandria a bitch, she laughs right in her face afterwards and gets away with it! Brilliant.

And we should never forget this.

I will say, however, this could be the biggest pot/kettle moment this show has ever had.

Laura:

Looks who is still so excited to be here! Anybody else shocked that her personality has not changed a bit? Me neither. Laura is still as sweet and bubbly as ever. She even had her own "Bobby!" moment.

For those of you upset that Cycle 8's Anya did not come back, do not be! Why? Because Laura is clearly her long lost twin.

That last one screams Anya. Eerie. Their likeness is even more pronounced due to their grasp of the English language.

Bianca:

 

Wow, has her mouth gotten larger? It looks like she is coming for my soul.

I loved that when she said this, they also played this right before. Those editors must have had a blast this season. I will say that is probably still the best insult ever uttered on this show. Bonus points of course because it was said at Saleisha.

As for the whole drama, if we can even call it that, with the red track of hair? Whatever. Just consider it a warm-up for the bitchassness to come from Baal the Soul Eater here.

Lisa:
God love this crazy. I was slightly afraid that after battling addiction and going through rehab, Lisa would have come back more mature and grown. As if, she is a star bitches! Watch her dazzle!

 

Such a pretty, pretty flower, no? Also, just like with Camille, Tyra could not let a chance go by to extract some revenge on Lisa.

Everybody gets good pictures put up in the house, and Lisa is stuck with this? Bullshit. Even more so because she has some great ones from her cycle. Typical.

Bre:

 

I was somewhat ambivalent about Nikki Minaj's appearance this episode, but I thought she was totally right about Bre's hair situation. Girl, that is not a good look. Your hair looks like black Cheetos.

Also, I hope this is how Bre responds to negative reactions from this point on.

Brittany:
Seriously?! We only get one episode of Brittany?! But she is absolutely amazing!

I loved this.

Not only because it so DGAF, but also because it caused this.

And this.

It is like it finally dawned on him what he is actually involved in.

Still, Brittany's own reaction takes the fucking cake.

So much love for that screenshot. You own that shit girl!

Furthermore, we will never get to see this happen.

And it was so clear she was down to make good on that when she said this. Ugh. What a freaking waste, show. What a damn waste.

Dominque:
Where was the crazy? At the very least there should have been some hormone imbalance from just having the baby. This new balanced and centered Dominque is great for her, but boring for us. Bring it like I know you can lady, or do not expect any time from me!

Sheena:

She should be required to do that at all times. I also love that she was all about the shimmy this episode.

 

 

You work those fake tits woman! For all they are (were?) worth!

Sheena's dedication to being campy also earns her points. This was great. I am probably going to use this one all cycle.

Isis:
I am sensing a story arc here, and I really do not like it. I have nothing against Isis, I just find her boring as hell. The sheer and simple fact is that she is only here due to her "born in the wrong body" status. Like I said before, it is great that the show has a contestant representing transgender people. I just wish, however, they picked a girl who can actually model. Otherwise, everything is just so self-serving, which I get is how the show works with its token girls. Seriously, the best thing Isis did all episode was cause Sheena to do that above. Boring, so very boring.

Kayla:
This better be our winner right here bitches!

Leave it to the lesbian to know the importance of tongue utilization when one is whoring themselves out.

And just in case you forgot, the show wants you to know that Kayla is a big, super lesbian. Whatever, it increases her chances of winning, and I really want that.

Wave to your adoring fans!

Allison:
Allison also was pretty low key this episode, but I am totally fine with that. S he is sweet and quirky, as well as fantastic when it comes to photos. I do not need much from little woodland fairy for me to love her.

Camille:
Clearly somebody is here to do some reputation repairing. How else would you explain the general easiness and calmness she displayed this episode?

Of course Tyra had to get another dig in on her signature walk comment. And this one needed to be in front of thousands of people.

I will say, however, delusional Camille is still there. That was so not the word everyone was expecting to come out of her mouth, was it? Here is hoping more of that happens from this point on.

Also, the whole preexisting drama between Camille and Bianca looks enticing. I honestly never thought that the girls would know each other outside of the show. I do not know why I did not see that coming. So when they all started arriving at the house and it was clear that a lot of them knew each other personally, I loved the unspoken drama. I cannot wait until that boils over into full-blown fuckery.

Shannon:
Seriously, it needs to be said one more time, Shannon looks fantastic. As for the whole underwear/bathing suit incident?

Whatever. I got what Shannon was saying, and I could also understand Jay and the panel's point. It was clearly an attempt at manufacturing drama by the show, which really is not needed for this cast.

Alexandria:
Why is she here again? Still cannot believe she stayed over Brittany. I just cannot with this one. Though, this was a nice piece of schadenfreude by the editors. The record is pretty clear kid.

I will say I was not a fan of this.

Unnecessary. I will never understand how this girl causes such much anger. Annoying? Yes. Spawn of the devil? No.

I also found the whole L.A. Live thing kind of hit or miss.

Treating the Jays like announcers?

Miss.

Tyra and Nikki impersonating drag queens?

Hit.

Tyra bellowing into the mike?

Miss. As a quick sidebar, I really hope fedoras are not her "thing" this cycle. I just cannot.

Andre giving the people love?

 

Hit.

Nigel with hair?

Biggest miss of the night. Yes, I know that has nothing to do with L.A. Live, but it needed to be said.

Another big "NO" was the photographer's headpiece.

It is pretty bold to say this, while looking like that honey.

When Nikki did this, I did this.

Bitch I get that you are a character, but calm the hell down with that shit. It is not a good look for you.

Let's run through the photos, with my rankings of course.

All around awesome. Love the pose. Love her facial expression. Also, it was one of the few instances where the background and photo shoot set worked.

Definitely expected, but that does not change the fact it is a great shot. I do not know why, but I love her left foot here. Everything is just working. Hopefully she will change it up in the coming weeks.

 

Love the legs and the softness in her facial expression. You know it is a good photo when she can pose against a tree like that and it works.

I thought the judges were so full of it when they started in on this picture. She is selling the shit out of her shoes and dress (the number one goal of a model), and also giving strength and personality. I do wish her chin was a little lower, though.

Who knew Camille had it in her? I sure as hell did not. That outfit is an eyesore, but she is working the shit out of it. I also love, love, love that she is not pulling any bug eyes here. Thank god. Also, fab shoes.

It is hard for a short girl to rock a sitting down pose, but she is definitely doing it. Also, that pose is making her look a tad stiff. Luckily, she is making up for it with her personality.

This is pure personality shot, but it is a great one. I think she is pulling it off. I will say that Nikki was spot on when it came to her comment about Brittany's legs. The fact that her arms are so extended and her body so hunched makes them look even shorter. Also, yes, Janice.

First call out my ass. Yes her body is slamming, but she looks like a total ho. At least her face is calm and relaxed, which makes the whole thing a little less slutty.

Nice face, but totally weak in the posing. She has actually worked extensively as a model since the show, so I expect a lot better.

I think if you must pose like this, this is about as best as you can look while doing it. That being said, I am not a huge fan. Just too much overall, though her face looks nice.

Nothing excites me about this photo. I mean damn, her clothes are the most exciting part, and that has nothing to do with her efforts. Step up Bre, I know you can do better.

Girl I am all about you, but this whole thing is just not working. She looks like a sassy prostitute. Part of that is styling, but most of it is of her own doing. 

Nope. Seriously should have gone home. Duck face combined with weak posing and weird hands makes for a terrible picture. It is a travesty that she is still here.

Finally, this was my favorite part of the whole episode.

 

You are welcome!